This post isn’t intended to garner sympathy. It isn’t to make you feel bad for me. My intention with this is selfish. I am hoping that by getting this all out there, it can be therapeutic for me and be a step towards eventually healing.
I’m well aware that life isn’t fair. That you’re supposedly suppose to make lemonade out of lemons. Well let’s just say any lemonade I make here in the near future is going to be served with at least one shot of Tito’s. It’s no secret that our journey to babies was rocky. And that’s probably putting it mildly. So why I naively imagined this season of life or pregnancy in general and the newborn stage to be smooth sailing, I have no idea. Apparently I had chosen to be blissfully ignorant.
Me feeling this way and writing this doesn’t make me insensitive to those struggling. I know everyone has their battles. This is my truth. It’s me being raw and vulnerable. Maybe you can find yourself in some of these things? If so, I’m sorry. But in all of this, it’s forced me to learn that if you don’t get it all out in the open then it eats you alive inside. And that is no good for your mental health. Although I say that and am fully aware that my mental health is not in a good place either. So here we go, time to dive into my brain a bit…
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I’m jealous you had sex once and got pregnant.
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I’m jealous you had sex any time and got pregnant.
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I’m jealous you don’t know what a miscarriage feels like.
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I’m jealous you didn’t get diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’ meaning they just aren’t bothering to figure out WHY you aren’t getting pregnant.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to spend all of your savings + more for a chance to become a parent.
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I’m jealous your significant other didn’t have to see your body continue to fail.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to do 100s of shots.
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I’m jealous you experienced the joys of seeing a positive pregnancy test and were surprised by the good news.
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I’m jealous your baby was made with your husband in the same room.
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I’m jealous you never wondered if an egg retrieval or IVF transfers were finally your ticket to parenthood.
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I’m jealous you got to take maternity pictures.
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I’m jealous you got to see your belly get to full-term.
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I’m jealous you got to feel baby kicks past 33 weeks.
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I’m jealous you had a normal, uneventful pregnancy.
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I’m jealous your water broke or you were surprised when you went into labor.
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I’m jealous you got to see out your birth plan.
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I’m jealous you got to hold your baby right after they were born. Hell, I’m jealous you got to SEE your baby right after they were born.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to wait 30 hours to touch or hold your baby.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to see your baby with oxygen in their nose, IVs in their tiny hands & feet or tubes into their tummies.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to change your baby’s first diapers through 2 tiny holes in an incubator.
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I’m jealous you didn’t have to ask for permission or for help to hold your baby.
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I’m jealous you don’t know what it sounds like when a monitor goes off because your baby’s heart rate or oxygen saturation dropped to a dangerous level.
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I’m jealous you got to leave the hospital WITH your baby.
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I’m jealous your first few sleepless nights at home were because you were adapting to your new routine with a newborn.
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I’m jealous you got to choose how to feed your baby.
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I’m jealous you were able to make decisions about their care and well being in their first few weeks of life.
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I’m jealous your baby’s first bath wasn’t under supervision while they were attached to a multitude of cords.
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I’m jealous you don’t dread opening the mailbox to see what new medical bills have arrived.
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I’m jealous, if you have multiples, that you haven’t had to choose which one to be with at any given point of the day because they were separated by 30 miles.
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I’m jealous your postpartum journey didn’t involve having to lose 70lbs from severe preeclampsia, pumping alone in the middle of the night because you were home without your babies, a scar you didn’t plan for, hives from an immense amount of stress or an 80 minute daily commute just to see one of your two babies.
Despite all of the things I’m jealous of, I don’t resent any one of you that can’t relate to what I’ve said above. I do envy you. But I fully accept we each have different journeys. This is all just part of my story. A long, grueling one at times. Yet my story nonetheless. Will I ever fully get over the trauma of 6.5 years of infertility & loss, a difficult pregnancy cut short by a disease I had no control over, preterm birth, watching my 2 greatest treasures be wheeled away from me before I had a chance to touch them or experiencing day after day & week after week in the NICU? Probably not. That’s what therapy is for. I do know that I’m one hell of a fighter though and I am stronger because of these things. I’m not as breakable as I imagined either.
Without Kyle, I would’ve never emotionally or likely physically survived all of this. He has been my rock time after time. Never would he let me give up, even though I wanted to so many times. My family, so many close friends…without their support, I’m not I’d still be standing. The random IG followers that have sent prayers, gifts, DMs, etc. to a stranger like me that they don’t personally know…that all gives me a little boost of hope when I have hardly any left.
So thank you. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Thank you for supporting me through the darkest of times. Thank you for helping me realize I don’t have to have it all together. It’s ok to not be ok. And right now, I’m not really ok. But I will be. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Until then, I’ll continue to lean on my support system and show up as my raw + authentic self.
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