So this is going to suck. Well actually this DOES suck. Once again I am bringing you an update. But yet again this is NOT the update I imagined giving. Honestly, it’s even worse than last month’s post if I’m being transparent. When you’re dealing with infertility, you sign up for a rollercoaster when you set out on the journey to become parents. However when you sign up, you’re still not fully prepared. Nothing can prepare you for feeling so close but also so far away. Even when things seem to be lining up, failure is still a very real possibility. So much of a possibility that a majority of the time it’s actually the reality. Which leads me here: I am having a miscarriage.
The confusing reality…
11 days ago I had an HCG blood draw. The result came back with an insane number (1,474). One indicative of like 6 babies growing inside of me. Or of being roughly 6-7 weeks along. So that first scenario was incredibly far-fetched, yet I guess potentially possible. But the second one? That was definitely impossible. Because I’m being tracked so incredibly closely, there’s just no way. Yet at no point of that call 11 days ago did the nurse imply there was a concern. So I was scheduled for a follow-up check 48 hours later. For about 36 hours, we felt hope. Of course were also hesitant — knowing that next blood draw needed to see my levels close to double.
But they did not. They dropped slightly (1,362). Which is concerning in any pregnancy. The dread set in and I was scheduled for another appointment 2 days later. 6 days ago I went in for an ultrasound to see if there was an ectopic or tubular pregnancy taking place, which could explain my sky-high levels. Thankfully there was neither. But my levels were still holding pretty steady (1,341). Ironically, despite years in Reproductive Endocrinology, my doctor was at a loss. She had no idea what was happening. I was instructed to stay on my meds + shots and wait until today.
I am having a miscarriage.
By definition, I mean. Today my levels showed a roughly 40% drop off to 813. In the medical world, my HCG levels indicate I was pregnant and whatever that looks/looked like, no longer is that viable. So for the second time in our infertility journey, another chapter of our story is ending in a miscarriage. I was not prepared for it. Not even close. In a matter of mere hours we were riding the highest of highs only to be slammed back into reality. Kind of like skydiving. But this time, you’re pushed out of the plane with no parachute. Next up is waiting. Ya know, something we haven’t been forced to do much of lately or anything… My levels need to go back to 0. No real insight on when that will happen. Because every body differs. I go back in a week to see where I’m at.
Also, I want to be clear. While it is I who will be experiencing the physical side effects, this is very much an US thing. Kyle is just as much suffering from the emotional perspective. So I am having a miscarriage. But we are experiencing this hand-in-hand. And I just about guarantee that if he could, he’d try and take the physical pain from me too.
When God says no vs. not now…
That is what I’m struggling with most at the moment. How to decipher between a ‘not now, keeping waiting’ answer or a ‘no, not ever.’ Is there even a way to understand which response we’re getting? Because if anyone has any insight, PLEASE share. We are desperate. Back in February, we had 10 embryos to work with. That number is now down to half that. Yes, it just takes one. But what is hard to endure is the emotion and mental toll this takes. My body is strong. I can handle the shots, the body changes, the physical pain. So bring that on. But the other side has me exhausted. And sad. So very, very sad.
Mother’s Day is Sunday. A small part of me thought that after 6 years I may actually be able to celebrate myself that day. But that’s ok. I know there are lots of women in my shoes. Who long to be a mom, many for probably lots longer than me. So I continue to pray. Pray that one day, I’ll get to celebrate Mother’s Day with a baby in my arms. That those women who desire the same thing have the chance to experience it. Until then, we wait… And then we try again.
· xox, Kristin ·
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Hi Kristen,
I’m in your mom’s bible study. My husband and I went through 5 years of infertility treatments until we came to the prayerful decision to adopt. Later we added two more girls through fostering. That was our journey. Whatever you and your husband’s journey is there are three truths I have learned through this process personally as well as through counseling women dealing with infertility through the years. You will have children – the answer is YES – they will either come biologically, through adoption OR they are the spiritual children God places in our lives that we choose to invest in an example might be neices and nephews. None of these roads are easy… but God. I am praying for you and will be lifting you both up this Mother’s Day. 💗
You are too kind. Thank you. I’m so glad your story ended with a happy ending, even if it’s not how you pictured it at the beginning. We appreciate your prayers so much and welcome them as we continue <3
I can’t even begin to understand the loss and sadness you both are feeling. I’m so sorry. Take this time to grieve and feel. That step is important. I promise you something, you’ll come out of this stronger than ever before. Right now you can’t make sense of why, but the answer will be clear one day. There’s still so much hope for you through the IvF process. Also while this is very much a physical journey, and we feel that heavy mental exhaustion, sometimes talking to a professional can help too. It can sometimes help us refocus, bring our centre back, help us make sense of things we may not have been able to do on our own. The power of therapy is strong. Also, know you’re not alone. You have a community of women supporting you and here for you every step of your journey. It’s okay to say, this really sucks. But know, one day, this will be part of your story to your happy ending.
Thank you for your sweet words. I truly feel like the prayers and positive support from our community is one of the few lights in this darkness. For that we are truly blessed! Thank you again <3
Kristen,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I are currently having our second miscarriage. Our first was at 10 weeks once I thought we were in the clear. We were devastated. Our second has been an equal heartbreak like we’ve never known. We too are waiting for our HCG to go to 0 and we will be doing testing before trying again. I’m hopeful but I go through phases of being so angry with God and seeing all the babies out there. Love your positive message of it is a “not now” message. Thank you for being brave, real, and sharing. It does help to talk with those that have gone through this as well. We will have our Mother’s Day one day girl! 🙏🏼🌈
Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. I hate to know that anyone is suffering like this. I agree that this second one may be even harder 🙁 Praying for you as you and your husband are in this wait as well. Our time is coming. Sending you all the love!
Hi Kristin. I found your blog from LIKEtoKNOW.it
My name is christina and we are probably the same age. I am super into fitness pretty athletic and lean and had infertility. To give you some hope when I found out I couldn’t get pregnant on my own they did a round of blood work and found out I had hepatitis c from my drug addict mom and I had to postpone treatment to go through that.
The second I was in the clear to start fertility treatment I get pregnant after the second round of femara, hcg and progesterone suppositories. I didn’t think I was going to have a miscarriage bc I didn’t think god would allow me to go through two hellish situations back to back.
Sadly even with a slow heartbeat I miscarried at 7 weeks naturally. We were devastated. I was bitter abs angry for months.
After letting my body heal we got pregnant again a few months later and i have a healthy strong beautiful boy who is 6 months. I’m praying for u to get pregnant.
I think back now and I don’t think I would have been as patient of a mother to my son if I didn’t go thru all the hurt and the wait.
I also thought maybe god is allowing these events to shape me to be the mom my son needs bc god has big plans for him.
Lots of women experienced infertility in the Bible and I can share my favorite verses.
Has the doctor checked you for Pcos? In 5,5 115lbs runner build and was diagnosed with that. It’s not just for women that are overweight.
Praying for you.